my precious little girl

My beautiful Elsie girl is not well.

We went away on holiday for a week and Fred and Elsie spent it at my mum's.  Halfway through, my brother messaged me to tell me that she hadn't eaten for 3 days. At the time I didn't think much of it, because she had been on and off her food a few weeks beforehand, but had gone back.

We came home late on Tuesday night, but on Wednesday evening noticed she had a red dot in her eye and it looked quite swollen. Her inside eyelid was half covering it.

Work has been a bit crazy, so we weren't able to take her to the Vet's until Saturday. Upon which the Vet found two lumps behind her head which he was very concerned about. The initial conclusion was some kind of infection, although he did mention the possibility of a lymphoma, a cancer in the lymph system. The eye he said was probably due to a bump somewhere and nothing to be worried about.

He gave us some antibiotics, sent us home, but said to come back on Monday. He also gave us some different food and suggested I get some cat food.

Brought her home, offered her food and she perked up. Ate all her food, and did 2 more rounds through the day. Things were looking better.

But come Sunday, her appetite started to wane again.

Took her in on Monday, to a very unhappy Vet, who wanted to keep her overnight to get a biopsy. She also started to bleed watery discharge through her nostril, which was very scary to see.

The Vet ended up not taking a biopsy as she started to get jaundiced, but took some blood tests instead.

Tuesday came with the verdict that she was Not Well.

This is what her final results say, according to the Vet:

"Elsie is suffering from a lymphoproliferative disease, either lymphoma or myeloma or lymphosarcoma. We are awaiting the results of electrophoresis to try and better interpret which possibility it is. The prognosis is guarded to poor for Elsie although imaging of the long bones, chest and abdomen will provide answers as to whether or not the neoplastic disorder has metastasised from a central tumour or directly from the bone marrow. Elsie is being sent home with symptomatic treatment to make her comfortable only. If there are any issues please do not hesitate to contact the clinic. I would advise that Elsie be given quality time if the decision is not to pursue further workup, and the decision to euthanise be made with her continued dignity in mind."

Suffice to say, I am very unhappy with the results.

The next step was originally an MRI, and possibly chemo based on what the oncologist would say.
We refused the MRI. But the Vet admitted that all it would most likely do would be to make our decision sit easier with us. He didn't fight us when we said we wouldn't go down that route. He didn't even say that much. When I picked up the phone yesterday, he merely said, the results are in. Let me just read them to you. And proceeded to read the litany of problems that she is suffering from. Hoping in some passive way that the blood results would speak for themselves. He admitted that this was the worst list of results he'd ever seen. And that basically there was hardly anything in her system that didn't have something going on.

It is so hard to let her go.

My little girl is only 4. It seems only yesterday that I found her on the pound website and went to see her. It seems only yesterday I brought her home, reeking of flea detergent, scrawny as can be, and skittish at just about everything. She has blossomed into a beautiful confident self assured dog, gentle as can be, with an underlying streak of Princess.

She has bonded with my daughter, and I have many photos of them playing together, spending time together, and even one of wolfiepup sitting on Elsie's back singing row your boat.

My heart aches to think about it. She is currently on steroids and drugs to make her feel more comfortable, and it shows. Looking at her, you think, hey, you're ok. What am I thinking to let you go?

But then you notice she refuses food. And you are reminded that she really is not well. For a girl who used to eat so fast when you fed her, terrified her next meal was never coming, to suddenly to be faced with one who just turns her head away when offered raw steak and chicken... I still remember the time I left a plate of mushrooms and eggs on the coffee table, but had to rush off to the loo. When I came back, I was lucky to get any eggs at all - she had snuck over and eaten half my breakfast!

It is heartbreaking to see her like this and to know that in a few days she will no longer be with us. Her time with us has been so short. It is sad to think that the relationship she has begun with wolfiepup will soon be over.

This picture always comes to mind, when I think about the two of them. I had such high hopes for them to grow together. She tolerates wolfiepup so well. Whereas Fred merely suffers her and walks away the minute he's given a chance, she acts more like Mother, and stays with her.

Wolfiepup said goodnight to her tonight, in a cheerful voice: "goodnight Elsie!" And my heart broke again to think that this would be one of the last times she would be able to say it. That in a few nights time there would be no Elsie to say goodbye to. It is too sad and terrifying to think about.

It is so sad to see her like this. You keep on telling yourself that she will get better. But blood results don't lie. Her cholesterol is nearly at zero and the Vet was saying it's probably leaching out of her intestines. Her liver has crazy counts and her red blood cells are barely regenerating. The way he read those results out, it amazed me that she was even moving.

And when wolfieboy went to collect her from the Vet, she made the huge effort to jump into the car. My heart breaks just thinking about it.

My beautiful, beautiful, little girl.

I am sad for me, for the loss of a sweet dog. I am sad for her, for the life she won't be able to continue with us. I am sad for my wolfiepup, for the lost chance to spend more time with her companion. I am sad for Fred, for the loss of his playmate.

I am just sad.

We will say goodbye to her on Friday and put her in a sunny spot on the hill. She's always loved to be up high. And she's always loved the sun. In the winters she would sit in front of the fire, staring and praying to her fire god.

I will miss her so much.

She's only 4. She's hardly begun her life, and it's already coming to an end. It makes me want to back out, cancel that appointment and just keep on keeping her comfortable. But the Vet had warned on Tuesday that we shouldn't let it go on too long, and that it was definitely inadvisable to do it over the weekend.

My poor, poor, precious girl.

I don't want to say goodbye to you. I want you to stay with us. Please don't go. Please don't leave us.

It makes it harder, because it is our decision to make. Playing god isn't easy. Who am I to say who lives and dies? She seems ok at the moment. Maybe she still has months in her. Is it bad to say that I wish the decision was taken out of my hands? That she could just to sleep quietly? Is that cowardly? Am I strong enough to be there and watch those soulful trusting eyes look at me one last time as I give the nod for that needle go in and watch as that beautiful life passes away? I don't know if I can do it. But as wolfieboy points out, it's no longer about us. It's about her.

If it's about having a good life, then you can argue she's had one with us. Bush walks in the afternoon, sniffing roo poo every morning. Spending time inside with us when the weather is bad, and getting lots of cuddles and attention. I do feel a little guilty at how much I have neglected both her and Fred since my wolfiepup was born. But as one friend pointed out, it's just been 'life.' She's been part of the pack.

It just such a heavy burden to bear.

I always thought Fred would be the first to go. He's already 7. But that we'd have years to come with Elsie.

It's just been so sudden. One minute we were going in just to see what was wrong. I was worried it would be heart worm as I had forgotten to feed her tablets. It doesn't matter where we live, but up in Sydney, it does. And I hadn't had time to remember. So while I was reassured that that wasn't the problem, in no way was I prepared for cancer. And such an aggressive one as this. "Don't let it go to the weekend" were the Vet's words.

Wolfieboy wonders if perhaps the Vet was being dramatic. Or perhaps that the drugs he has given her have simply masked the problem. It's not like Elsie can talk and tell us what the problem is.

My beautiful, beautiful, little girl