Walking without you

We went for a walk today, Ginger and I.

And it wasn't the same without you.

As we walked back to the house, I could almost imagine you plodding along beside us. Ginger on her lead, and you free ranging, marking your territory to protect us all.

I still felt the ghost of you. 

Sometimes I feel like this is all a bad dream. A nightmare that I can't seem to wake up from.

You are no longer here.

One minute you were. And the next minute, you weren't. Your body was still warm when the Vets checked your eyes and said "he's gone." And all I could do was touch you. Hold you. Tell myself they were wrong and that you were still there.

I miss you with an ache I cannot describe.

Ginger misses you too. She's on extra good behaviour to try and make up for your absence. Is this how you felt when Elsie left?

She stuck close to me and did not pull as we took our walk. And when I let her off lead at the house she didn't know what to do with herself and kept on checking in. No more running off to the other side of the fence to go find some new carcass to munch on, or poo to eat.

We found her escape hatch too. I was clever today. You'd be proud of me.

She ran out, so I went through the front door, and then went round the back and called her. She hesitated when she saw me, almost like she knew she was in trouble and wasn't sure she should go through. But a bit of encouragement from me and she showed me where it was.

It's patched up now.

I know you never cared whether she stayed or ran off. But I thought you'd like to know that we fixed it, all the same.



Wolfiepup went up yesterday to give you a rock, and today I went up and did the same. Ginger came along, and quietly sat when prompted, and I stopped to stay and think of you.

I think you'll be proud of wolfieboy's go. Your cairn is definitely bigger and more impressive than Els'.

You are so deeply missed, Fred. I'm glad you are no longer hurting and suffering. But we're still here and hurting and missing you. Even though there's nothing that anyone can do. We had a good run, you and I, didn't we?

In case I haven't told you, you were missed today.