Missing Elsie

It's been nearly a year since my girl has gone. We still miss her every day. Wolfiepup asks about her often and includes her in conversation.

When Fred goes to the Vet, she says, "Elsie went to the Doctor. Elsie was very sick." I think in her mind Elsie is still at the doctor and the permanence of death hasn't really seeped in.

We talked about getting another dog. We've been uhhming and ahhing about it for a while. It breaks my heart to hear wolfiepup talk about Elsie. "Fred is family. Mummy and Daddy is family. Elsie is family." Just breaks my heart.

We often take rocks up to Elsie's cairn. And every time I stand there and look at the view, tears start to form and my heart breaks a little more.

I show pictures of Elsie to wolfiepup all the time. She is engraved in our hearts and memories.

We've seen a few dogs, and for one reason or another they aren't making the cut. The last one looked sweet but completely freaked over Fred.

Fred initially struggled but has dealt with Elsie's departure. For a while there he stuck close to us. Wouldn't even leave the verandah at night. It used to be during walks he'd hare off knowing that Elsie was beside us. These days he won't go anywhere without us.

He's finally settled down, and I've seen him happily play with some of my friend's dogs, so I think he'd appreciate the company. I've tried hard to shower him with more affection.

Wolfiepup gives him big cuddles morning and night and he gives her licks and accepts her as part of the pack.

We're going to see another two dogs on the weekend. One is a boy, 8 months old with the wolfie look that I love. The other is a 2 year old girl, who looks a little like Elsie, but without as many wolfie characteristics. Mainly, no wolfie nose bridge tuft. She's wiry but not brindle grey. Instead she's a bit of a blondie. She also has Elsie's whippy tail.

I am half and half about it all. A lot of the push for a second dog is in fact from me. I miss having two dogs. If I am truly honest, I am half hoping that having a second will help fill the hole in my heart - if only a little. But I also know that deep down, no dog is going to replace my Elsie girl. And I'm not sure I want them to either. It would feel wrong to Elsie's memory.

Wolfieboy isn't as keen as me. I understand his reluctance, although his concerns are different to mine. He believes having more dogs will limit us in the future. Whereas I'm thinking, now is the perfect time to help wolfiepup rebond with another dog. But I must admit, I do worry how Fred will cope. And it's nice just to have him on his own again. I worry he'll struggle with sharing us again. He doesn't get half as much attention now as he used to prior to wolfiepup's arrival.

Is it truly time to let go? To move on? Or should I be waiting longer? I don't know. Sunday will come and we shall see.